I'm mad at God tonight. It is so hard to watch someone you love slowly and painfully dying. It's even harder to watch how it affects those that love that person: how some people weep, and some people shut down, and some people lash out. I'm not sure where I fit in those categories. I guess all of the above, in a way.
God and I have had a talk. I'm so grateful that he can handle my anger, that he's big enough and that his love is perfect enough to deal with my petty feelings. Certainly not that my feelings of grief are petty, but rather that my anger at God is... is... misplaced? unjustified? I can't think of a good word for what I'm trying to say. But the point is that even when I don't love God, he loves me. It sounds trite, but it's about all I've got right now.
I told someone earlier today that I am learning (being taught!) to trust God's character, and thus to love him even when I see things that I don't like. Even when death is rampant, children are starving, entire towns are drowning in the wake of Katrina, and now Rita's, collective wrath... even then my brain clings to the truth that God is good... not merely in charge and indifferent.
That being said, I'm still mad. I'll work through it, by God's grace. This man that has been like a grandfather to me is "not long for this world" and so ready to see his faith made sight. I mourn for those he'll leave behind, not for him. I've heard that anger is just a cover-up for the real emotion. I don't know if that's always true, but what I see behind my anger right now is fear, hurt and confusion. Pretty much the human condition when you think about it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment